Aly in Wonderland

Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey - E.L. James
Oh my God. This book was, without a doubt, fucking hilarious.

First of all, lets get one thing straight: I'd rather shit on my hands and clap before reading this again. The fact that I decided to read it in the first place is demeaning enough. After seeing the hype about it on Facebook, I thought, "Might as well" considering EVERYONE said it was AMAZING.

AMAZING is not the word for it. STUPID, SHIT, RIDICULOUS AND HILARIOUS are the words for it!

So say hi to Anastasia Steele, the 'innocent', 'independent', 'free spirit' main character. She meets the 'enigmatic' Christian Grey when she interviews him for her University paper. Christian Grey is 'handsome', 'beguiling' and 'totally unreachable'. He decided he wants to screw Ana and, ooh-la-la that's what they do!

Literally. Take away the sex scenes from the book and the story line is as wide as my pinkie nail. There is NO DEPTH to the characters at all, there is NO STORYLINE and I SWEAR E.L. James pretty much went with whatever was going through her head at that given moment.

How is it HOT or even OKAY to think that Grey likes whipping and hurting girls during sex because they RESEMBLE HIS MOTHER?! It's fucked up and sick! Seriously, that's what he says! " Anastasia, I like whipping brown haired girls like you because you all resemble my mother " THAT'S HOT?!

Anastasia is meant to be this innocent girl who waits for the right person to give her virginity to, and then she just falls into bed with Grey because she can't resist him. IT'S EASY TO RESIST HIM. HE HAS A RED ROOM OF PAIN. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO GO IN THERE?! Ana is probably the whiniest, most annoying and STUPIDEST character I have ever read about.

She's first introduced as clumsy and pure and whatever other shit, and then literally ALL OF A SUDDEN she's sex mad (she gets turned on by using his TOOTHBRUSH. WHAT.) and SOPHISTICATED. How is that even possible?

AND OF COURSE all of a sudden EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF HER. She suddenly has a mile long line of guys knocking at her door, and even more OF COURSE Grey can't stand her going out without security or her even MEETING HER FRIENDS WITHOUT HIM THERE. This book is the epitome of abusive relationships. I mean, no one can TOUCH him but he can whip and beat girls during sex and THAT'S OKAY?

The writing is so repetitive as well. She CONSTANTLY looks at her hands, CONSTANTLY blushes and CONSTANTLY says, "because I love him so." WE GET IT. YOU'RE A FUCKING TOOL.

Grey is meant to be this amazing, alluring man that no one can keep their hands off. HE HAD SEX WITH HIS MOTHER'S FRIEND BECAUSE HE COULDN'T STOP BRAWLING WHEN HE WAS 15! AND SHE INTRODUCED HIM TO THE BDSM LIFESTYLE.

AT FIFTEEN IS THAT MEANT TO BE OKAY?!

He makes girls sign ridiculous contracts before he fucks them. He makes them COOK on weekends. THEY HAVE NO FREE WILL. HOW IS THIS OKAY?! HOW IS THIS HOT?

I can't even put into words how angry this book makes me. I had a bit of respect for Ana at the end but then as quick as she gained that respect, she lost it too. She leaves him at the end of book one cos he whips her with a belt. BUT OF COURSE SHE GOES BACK TO HIM IN BOOK 2. 8 PAGES IN AND THEY'RE SCREWING AGAIN. And get this: THEY GET MARRIED. They've been together a month and THEY GET MARRIED.

How on earth this got published, I have no idea. And how on Earth people find it hot and romantic, I have even LESS of an idea.

It's about abuse, and sex and abuse and even more sex and that's all they do! There isn't a scene where you think, "they won't fuck here" and they do. EVERYWHERE. They have sex at his parents house the first time she meets them (nice impression there, girl), and on a boat, on a plane, in an elevator WITH PEOPLE THERE. AND THE FUCK WHEN SHE'S ON HER PERIOD. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Honestly. If I could gather all the books and bury them, I would. If I could give E.L. James a wake up slap and scream, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" I would. It's ridiculous. It's shallow. There is literally NO SENSE TO THE BOOK. Ana hates the fact that he spends money on her, but then asks him for a SPORTS CAR FOR HER BIRTHDAY. Obviously don't hate his wealth that much then!

ARGH. I actually want to hurt someone because of this book.

HOW ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A FILM ABOUT IT? IT'LL BE PORN, WHERE A MAN WHIPS HIS GIRLFRIEND TO SHIT AND LIKES IT.

Anyone who reads this and likes it obviously has something wrong with them. And I mean, seriously wrong. It's about an abusive relationship. That's all. An abusive relationship that Ana likes referring to as 'kinky fuckery'. WHAT.

She NEVER sees her friends. The entire book is revolved around Grey. THEY NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER IN PEACE. Either they're at his apartment, or eating out, or in a car, or at her JOB but I think in total she spends a WEEKEND WITH HER FRIENDS WITH HIM THERE. I swear, if my boyfriend did that, I would dump him on the spot. How is it all right not to see your friends because your boyfriend doesn't want you to? ABUSE.

Ugh. I could go on for hours.

GOODBYE, PIECE OF SHIT OF A BOOK. Ugh.

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