Aly in Wonderland

Going Vintage

Going Vintage - Lindsey Leavitt This review will also be up on BOOKLIKES!

I don't know much about Oliver, but who does? I think that mysterious aloofness is part of his image. He was nice enough to give me a birthday card that night with a twenty-dollar gift card to Outback Steakhouse. Outback? That's the way to get in good with your cousin's girl.




*Sigh*

I should have listened. When I saw my friends rating this book one or two stars, I should have stayed away. But when you see a book on sale for 50p, what do you do? You buy it. Although I guess the fact that I bought this for 50p should have been enough indication for me to realise that I'd probably end up thoroughly annoyed.

You know what I'm going to compare this to? To having sex with a guy you like, except he doesn't care about you finishing and does his own business, then goes to sleep so you're left out hung to dry. Literally. It's, like, ordering the most delicious hamburger on the menu, only for the waiter to then later say, "Sorry, ma'am, but we've run out. Can I get you something else?"

No, no. You cannot get me something else. If something is described as "makes me want to go vintage" or "Hilarious, real, and impossible not to love" (Although that last one is written by Becca Fitzpatrick and she wrote Hush, Hush. We all know how that ended) then I want it to DELIVER.

IS IT SO HARD?

First of all, this book has nothing to do with "going vintage". The most vintage we get is a couple of dresses Mallory found in her grandmother's attic and a yearbook... and a list.

I found a dead mouse in my attic the other day. Chances are, it's been left up there a while. Maybe I should start a dead mouse campaign? You know, because reasons?

Second of all, this book has the most annoying YA MC I have ever had the displeasure of reading about. God, I want to high five her in the face with a brick.

Third of all, we get a lot of lists at the beginning of each chapter. As far as 'empathising' with Mallory goes, this is the only items we have in common. I'm a notorious list-writer. And there's nothing you can do about it.

So, in honour of all my pointless lists, and Mallory's most pointless lists ever, I shall write my review in form of a... yeah, you got it.

Mallory's perfect boyfriend Jeremy is cheating on her with a cyberwife. Instead of sitting down with him and talking about it, she:

1) Hacks into his 'Friendspace' (ahem, Facebook) profile and calls him a tool.
2) Acts like nothing is wrong.
3) Ten minutes later, she runs out of his house and disappears off the face of the earth.

Understandably, she turns her phone off and goes off to clear out her grandmother's attic, who is moving to a retirement community... centre... thing. Whilst in the attic, Mallory finds a list:

Junior Year: Back-to-School Resolutions:
1.Run for pep squad secretary.
2. Host a fancy dinner party/soiree.
3. Sew a dress for Homecoming.
4. Find a steady.
5. Do something dangerous.


For some reason, Mallory thinks this is her "calling" and decides to start acting as if she was living in 1962, which is not only weird but it's also wrong:

"I think I'm going to barf." Grandma crumples the empty beignet bag into a ball. "I wasn't living in Happy Days."[...]"My point is, we still had issues back then." Grandma folds her arms over her chest. "Communism, Cuban missile crisis, repression, segregation, race riots. But nothing catastrophic like broken mobile phones, right?"


But Mallory is a total and complete idiots and decides to do the following:

1. Stay away from technology, including the internet and her mobile phone.
2. Follow her grandmother's list (which she fails).
3. Live like you would in the 60's.

Why?

Because she blames technology for her break-up. In her narrow, stupid head she thinks that if it hadn't been for technology, Jeremy would've never "cheated". And I'm using that term lightly, because in my mind, he wasn't cheating. He was playing a stupid-ass game called Authentic Life and it's like an online Sims. Seriously. THAT'S CHEATING?

Whatever. Anyway, instead of doing what every mature, rational person would do, Mallory decides to blame technology for every bad thing that's happened to her.

I admit, technology has it's fault and yeah, cheating DOES happen online, but I see it as cheating if a) you're sending each other nude pics, b) if you're sexting and c) if you're cheating IRL, then talking about it online. But playing Sims online? No. Technology, though, isn't a "robot". By that definition, robots wouldn't need someone to control them, whereas computers, mobile phones, video game consoles, all of that stuff do. Swearing off technology isn't helping your situation, if you're the goddamn problem in the first place.

Don't blame technology for being, blame the person using it.

Common. Fucking. Sense.

I guess I don't quite get this book. Nothing happens, the list was a fail from the get go, Mallory is a whining, crying baby that can't deal with life and growing up and... I'm running out steam. It's ridiculous, pointless, boring, the list goes on. I considered DNFing this book after ten pages.

TEN. TEN PAGES. THAT'S ALL IT TOOK FOR ME TO FLIP MY SHIT. Ten pages!

This book also gives off a bad message to the younger readers who might not know any better. Going Vintage is basically saying that technology is the root of all evil and that every bad thing that has ever happened to you is because of technology. But it isn't. It's the person's fault.

Not to mention the massive plot holes that came along with the story. Mallory swore off the "battery-operated evil(s)" and was already suffering in Computer Class, where she asked to switch to something manual. Like handwriting a paper. Or typewriting, whatever. And she was so ADAMANT to go through with this, that she didn't think about the consequences.

1) What if she was in an accident, and had to be taken to hospital, where they use technology for everything?
2) Technically, she wouldn't have been able to use the microwave, and she can't cook. You're home alone. Then what? You can't use your phone, and the landline is practically non-existent.
3) There's an emergency and you need to call 911. But you've sworn off your mobile phone. Uh-oh. Guess that guy's going to die, then.

There are so many scenarios where technology saves life. But, y'know, the 60's are practically the dark ages. /sarcasm.

Not to mention that Mallory thinks that in the 60's, life was "easy". Also she doesn't know what feminism is. She doesn't know how to sew. She doesn't know what segregation and repression means. She doesn't know what the Cuban missile crisis is. She doesn't like history. She doesn't care for the fashion if it's not flattering. She doesn't like the hairstyle, shoes, the underwear, the scratchy materials, she doesn't get the point in a pep squad (but founds one anyway, because it was on the list), she doesn't like school spirit...

WHAT'S THE DAMN POINT THEN?



No point in this book. It's a waste of time. Save yourselves.

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